My Final Step

Today, I took my final step of getting myself back again.

I wrote to those people who played a very important role in my life when I grew up, after my family, and those are my best friends from school. I opened up about myself and honestly wrote out what I went through and how my actions resulted in creating this huge distance between us.

As I am recovering from the negative mental state that I was in, I believe, this is my final step towards my freedom and a healthier mental state.

From 2014, after an incident which had a huge effect in me. Huge, because that was the biggest mistake I made in my life and due to that mistake, I lost a lot of important people in my life, I lost their value and their importance. I hurt my family and friends.

My mistake was, I let myself be with people who was not from the same spectrum  that I was from. I opened myself up to those people who only knew how to crush my dreams, myself and the freedom I had which is freedom of thought. Even my thoughts seemed to be against me then. I was manipulated, I was turned against my family, my sister and my mum. I was turned against my childhood best friends.

That particular person, who manipulated me, destroyed me, threatened me, insulted me, forced me and finally tried to grind my soul below his feet, was my class mate once. He used to tell me everything that I wanted to hear, he understood me and could read me like an open book and took advantage of it. His ultimate weapon was my weakness and he used it well.

But now, he lost.

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I won, my soul won. I am free to express my thoughts and my feelings. I feel stronger than ever because now I have no fear.

Now I am surrounded by people who wants the best for me, who spreads a positive aura, who helps me remove negative people from my life, shows me my mistakes and my flaws rather than insulting me and offending me, helps me remove my bad habits, is patient with me and forgives me instead of taking revenge, loves me the way I am and most importantly encourages me to be myself.

 

 

We are all neighbours of the same world.

The greatest thing that happened in my life is when I came to Australia for my further studies.  Before that, my life was completely monotonous. Woke up, had breakfast, went to classes and then, after withstanding the enormous traffic due to overgrowing population in the capital, came back home at night. Then with the little amount of energy left, had to do the assignments and prepared for the next class… and this went on until my dad decided to send me and my sister here in Australia, because, apparently, hard to accept, but my own home does not provide enough safety for us. Therefore, I am here, out of the box and into the real world.

Anyways, let me get back to my point, which is, we are all racist UNTIL we get the opportunity of mingling and making friends who came from different places of the same world. When you actually be within them, the reality is completely different, you will understand that their life is no different to us. Each of them, have their own struggles, their own challenges. They are not perfect and thus, this has taught me, neither are we. None of us are perfectly happy in our skin we just have to make some happiness out of thin air.

Back in my country, we are all from the same race, yes, however, even racism exists within ourselves. When our parents consider our partners, they judge some of them to be dark-skinned, too thin, too fat.

Fortunately, for the millennials, this has changed, as we started bonding with our fellow neighbours of this world. Some of us study together, some play games online and become friends, some are friends through social media and so on. So we know, their is more to see that meets the eye.

Thanks to the mixed culture now we can taste sushi from Japan, burgers from America, nachos from Mexico and the list goes on.

Thus, we are joining together as one whole community whether we acknowledge it or not.

Which is a good news out of all the bad ones!

I can do it!

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Remember how I said in my last posts that I have completely given up on studies?

Yes I did, but the last few days I had this guilt of just giving up and thus I started giving little time everyday to sit with the subject I have. Even though, at first it seemed completely bizarre, the explanations, the theorems etc. Later on, as I researched a bit and slowly started understanding, I could literally feel the interest coming back to me.

It felt amazing! This was a very big achievement for me!

Then I studied for the class test and gave my best in it, so no regrets. After that, I had an assignment of which the first part was done by my brilliant group mate but the second part had to be done individually. I completely lost my hope in programming as I did not have practice for a long time. Then my friend literally forced to sit and study and to try something.

I started at exactly 12:30 pm. Did a lot of research, searched the internet and finally I could feel an idea coming up in my head, just like a dimming light bulb, we see in cartoons but way dimmer. Anyways, so after a complete day long of concentration on the assignment, I finally finished it at exactly 9 pm in one sitting, without eating or doing anything distracting. I was utterly shocked at myself for finishing that.

The thing that I stamped in my head to be impossible, I did tackle that and achieved my concentration on studies back! With these little achievements, I can finally realise the pressure and the stress lifting up from me. I am finally recovering from those horrible thoughts of giving up.

Depression is real

Where I come from, depression is just an excuse.

Not for me, I realised that something was terribly wrong with me, when I found myself alone in my room and thinking what would happen if I disappeared into nothingness all of a sudden. I had this constant craving of running away.

There are millions who went through hundred times more pain than I did. That was what I used to tell myself, to convince myself that I had a far more better life than them. However, this did not help me. Nothing helped me at that time. I used to break into tears out of nothing and lost interest in literally everything. There was never a time when I felt sick of studying and moreover, sick of doing what most interests me, cooking. I disconnected with my closest friends and just talked to selected few people which includes my mother and my sister. Sometimes, when they used to share their stress with me, I had silent tears running down my eyes. I wanted to tell them that I cannot bear anymore. I wanted to make them understand how I was feeling but I knew, they had gone through far more stress and struggles than I did. I had to pretend to be strong enough to show my support and was very careful not to hurt them in any way.

As the time passed by and the semester was crawling towards finals, I was almost giving up.

Until one day, while trying to do my assignment at uni with this massive headache, which was an everyday thing for me at that time, I decided to fight this hollow feeling inside me. I knew, that my pain, whatever it was for, it was real. At that instant, I did two things:

  1.  Contact student support to find a solution about my problem with studies.
  2.  Open up a blog to share my thoughts, just to divert my mind into something.

And that changed the usual pattern of my daily life.

This was the trigger, which slowly brought me back my strength.

With each like and comment, I got a massive amount of happiness and a feeling of achievement which I did not feel for a very long time. And the change slowly crept in.

I started making some changes which did not seem to be significant at that time like buying two new books which completely changed my perspective.

  • I forced myself to pray which helped me spiritually to regain my inner peace.
  • I started to work out at the gym or at home.
  • Set up some goals to achieve by next year.
  • Cut out all those things that was stressing me out.
  • Decided to go on a long break back in my country, to my parents.

Slowly, those changes brought some new changes and thus, here I am.

Now, let me share the good things that came across in my life after the struggles:

  • I regained my confidence in me.
  • I started taking care of myself.
  • I got the concentration back in my studies.
  • I started reaching out to those friends I cut out from my life.
  • I slightly opened up with my family regarding my depression.
  • and many more…

Lastly, I will not blame anyone for my depression. This did not happen in one day, a month or a year. It was building up for years and was hiding behind my portrayal of confidence and strength. It did not happen because of someone’s insecurities or the weight of studies.

It was born and has been growing, ever since I stopped looking at myself.

 

 

 

Daydreams of a jailbird

Here I am daydreaming while I should be doing my assignment and studying for finals.

I was daydreaming about visiting countries, tasting different cultures. I had an opportunity though, to go for an internship at Indonesia but had to sacrifice it for personal reasons.

Anyways, waiting for another opportunity is mind bugging. As I am broke now due to a bad decision of getting a flat all by myself being a student.

NEVER MAKE THIS MISTAKE.

It is best for students to share a flat or room. This way, they will not only save money but also meet new people. 😀

This year had been really rough for me overall. Therefore, next year I plan to break free of all the things letting me down. Here’s a list:

  1.  Move out of this blackhole of a house which leeches out all the positive energy of mine.
  2. Get a cheap accommodation.
  3.  Minimise on costs
  4. Get a part time job.
  5. Save up for travelling.
  6. Jump on internship opportunities.
  7. Fulfil my dreams
  8. Enjoy my life.
  9. Pray, pray and pray
  10. Keep no regrets.

Okay, let me go back to my studies now 😀

Cheers!

Keep cool

One thing that I have noticed throughout this stressful year is that: once I started to feel the pressure of everything happening around me including all the problems, new troubles creep up and at one stage I felt I could not handle anything.

As I have mentioned before, I have tried taking help from student support at uni and got disappointed by the amount of value they have on policies rather than the mental health itself, and thus decided to take things on my hands.

I started reading books regarding my religion and started praying. Not only, did it help me spiritually but also gave me a reason to put aside everything and give some time off to myself and to my God. Which is very important according to me, even if a person does not follow any religion, he or she can take some time off every day and meditate.

Regarding meditation, I have tried doing it by my own, but I guess I am one of those people who cannot just concentrate!

Therefore, I found my own peace and way to meditate through my prayers and also through music.

Yes, music.

I have collection of every song that I have listened  so far in my life and thankfully, I found the one and only song that used to calm me down from my high school years. Surprisingly, when I heard it after like 5 years, it had the same effect on me!

The song is “Keep the streets empty for me”- Fever Ray.

Also, there is a movie, which helped me to start to think about mental health and how important it is to give a break to yourself. It is “Eat, pray and love”. I am not suggesting to follow it literally. However, see it as an inspiration to start doing things that you enjoy or to find the thing that interests you.

Overall, I am very proud of myself for keeping cool during those stressful times. I know more problems are coming on my way, I guess I am strong enough to face those now.

Hell Yeah! Bring it on probs!

Ego, let it go.

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I am at the brink of losing all my good relationships due to this thing called ego. Did not realise when it completely engulfed me. Scarily, it is going out of its limit and is overtaking my best self.

This year, on my birthday, I removed my four best friends from childhood from my Facebook and other social media just because they did not wish me. One of them did, but was late. I got angry and hurt that they do not remember me or my birthday as they were back in my country and I am studying overseas. Now, I regret. Even though I should be reaching out to them but my ego, again is holding me back. I am afraid of their questions and what they will think of me.

And today, I literally forced myself to take a moment, after I rejected taking a lift from a very close person who saw me waiting for the bus, just because I fought with that person in the morning. My expectations was that, I would be insulted inside the car, but my stupid fake self did not realise that even though I was the one who insulted and poked that person for something which was not that person’s fault, I was offered a lift by that person out of kindness and out of love for me. I admire that person deeply for bringing out the true self rather than being swallowed by this evil monster I call ego. (Yes, I know, too much “person” used but the identity will be revealed in the future.)

Anyways, hence I decided to start a war between my true self and my fake self which is called ego. I cleared my head and took out my diary and wrote a letter to myself.  I wrote out my problems and made a list of all the major mistakes I have done in my life and where I regret. Then I congratulated myself for making those mistakes as this will help me  tackle those problems in the future.

Hopefully my true self will win and I will let go of my ego.

Cheers!